I am petrified of dentists. 

As a child, my parents moved around a lot and we never had a regular dentist that I got to know and trust. Growing up a dentist extracted the wrong tooth. He extracted the healthy tooth. 

As an adult a dentist extracted a tooth that had an abscess beneath it. In case you don’t know, numbing agents don’t work when there is infection present, like an abscess. 

I didn’t know at the time that I should have been given antibiotics and then, only once the infection had cleared, should treatment have proceeded.

In 2020, during the first hard lockdown, I bit down on an olive and broke a tooth on the olive pip. Because of my fear of dentists, I ignored it and made excuses about not going to the dentist. Eventually an abscess developed beneath the broken tooth. 

I knew from the throbbing on the side of my mouth that my days of ignoring this was over and I had to get it sorted.

This was the worst kind of deja vu. More like a PTSD episode. The exact same situation that I had experienced before where I had been tortured by that arsehole. The thought of lying prone on that chair, under that bright light with hands and instrumentation preventing me from using my voice just debilitated me.

Like Eskimos and snow, when it comes to dentists, I need more words for fear. 

Asking for help

I decided to reach out for help and posted a message on my local community WhatsApp group asking what dentist in our area they would recommend. I also reached out to all our friends in our area and asked the same thing. 

I then tabulated the results of my survey and chose the dentist with the most recommendations. Being the early stages of COVID no-one was going out except for emergencies so when I called the receptionist said the dentist could see me in an hour.

What???!!! No, no, no, no, no!! I need at least three days to gather my strength.

Also she informed me, due to COVID protocols, I had to wait in my car and they would come and get me from the car. 

“My husband can’t come in with me?” 

“No. He can’t come into the building.”

Fuck! My big, strong 6’ 6” husband wouldn’t be allowed in the building - never mind in the room -  where I wanted him with his hands around the dentist’s neck ready to break it at the smallest squeak from me!

Also, she added, they would all be covered in PPE which may be quite frightening to see and she just wanted me to be prepared.

See? The word fear is just lacking in texture to describe where I was at this point.

I knew I had to move forward. I needed help. I did recognise that preparing me and describing exactly what I was going to encounter - in these very new and strange circumstances at that time - helped me, empowered me with knowledge.

Okay, this was a good sign. It showed me awareness and consideration for my experience, dare I even say, it displayed EQ?

My husband and I strategized my options. If I was uncomfortable, I could leave. The building is not that big and he’d park close to the building and I could shout if I needed him. No-one would stop him getting to me.

It may sound ridiculous to you, but it helped, and I had every intention of using all available options to protect myself if I felt I needed to.

We arrived in the parking lot, followed the protocols as the receptionist had outlined, and then I was called into the building. 

I walked towards the consultation room.

Standing in the doorway was a person outfitted in full PPE. I felt like I was on the set of some Sci-Fi movie or maybe Contagion? “Hi”, she said, “I’m Michele, Dr Most Recommended dentist's nurse and this is Dr Most Recommended Dentist”. She took a step into the room.

Leading with vulnerability

I paused at the threshold and laid down all my mental armour. “Hi”, I said, “I’m terrified. I know you hear that all the time. But I need you to be gentle with me.”

In that second that I paused at the threshold I had asked myself how will I know if I can trust these people? And then I asked myself what would I do if I knew someone was afraid? How would I behave? 

That’s when I decided to lead with my vulnerability because I knew that their reaction to it would let me know if they were capable of creating a safe space for me. I knew that their reaction to me revealing my vulnerability would reveal something I needed to know about them.

If they brushed my fears aside I would have broken the 1 minute mile in my exit. If they had laughed, I would have paused long enough to give them the finger before my speedy departure.

The defense I had left was choice. Yes, I had to see a dentist, but I could go to 4 other appointments with other dentists, if I so chose, before I felt I found one that met my criteria.

“Of course”, they both responded immediately. And while I stood at the precipice of a decision, in that doorway, we talked about what I knew was wrong and that I needed antibiotics to clear up the infection and that they would walk me through my options and proceed at the pace that I was comfortable with.

I stepped forward, submitted to the chair, faced the light and opened my mouth.

The dentist quickly agreed with my self-diagnosis, took me through his thinking and explained the next steps and timing. He prescribed antibiotics to fight the infection and a small half tablet, for my next appointment, to help me relax and fight the fear. I was to take the half tablet 2 hours before my appointment in 3 days to extract the broken tooth.

I left feeling relieved and capable of facing the next step - with the help of my drug courage.

Enough suspense - this story has a happy ending. I returned 3 days later and he extracted the tooth without me experiencing any pain. 

Relief!

A test of their worthiness

In a way leading with my vulnerability was a test of their worthiness. How they reacted to my vulnerability was going to tell me who they were. I knew if the roles were reversed I would soften and lead with gentleness because vulnerability is a strength not a weakness. 

It takes courage to own your vulnerability and sharing your vulnerability with others - that’s really hard. BUT, and really, this is a BIG BUT so pay close attention. Not everyone is capable of respecting and responding to your vulnerability.

I’ll say it again for the seats in the back. Some people are not capable - are not capable - they lack the skills, they lack the self- awareness, they lack the empathy. They do not see vulnerability as a strength, they see it as a weakness.

I wanted to know who I was dealing with here. Was it someone who saw my fragility in the same light I did or had I just dropped a drop of blood in shark infested waters?

I realised that I wasn’t afraid of saying I’m scared. I was afraid of being in that chair. However, I also realised that if I found a dentist I could work with, who would take my fear into consideration, I would be able to move forward.

The expression “in the grip of fear” is a common one because it describes the immobility that accompanies the feeling. The powerlessness of being unable to move - that it feels like an external force is acting upon us -  we feel overwhelmed by fear.

We often think, as I did, what are my options to confront this fear? How am I going to oppose it? I want to feel the opposite of fear so surely I must oppose it? Reject the thing I am feeling. Push it aside. Try and escape it. Run away from it.

Have you ever heard the self defense advice that if someone grabs you, instead of resisting, you should relax your entire body? Become a dead weight because it will be harder for the person to move you. Give up on resisting and just give up - drop your resistance.

Looking back, that's what I did in that dentist’s office. Instead of trying to put on a brave face or ignoring the huge gorilla that walked into that room with me. I owned it and said you can’t see it but I’ve just stepped into this room in the grip of a gorilla - not just any random gorilla, MY gorilla. 

This gorilla that has been terrorizing me since I was a child - that visits me whenever it wants. Turning a smart, capable, strong woman into a tortured victim. And my gorilla is telling me that you are going to hurt me. If you’re going to hurt me my gorilla is going to grow.

When I led with vulnerability on the threshold of that door I was asking can you help me slay my gorilla? Can you kill the dragon? Will you help me exorcise my demons?

Don't trust people blindly

I don’t have to trust people blindly. Are you someone who is going to help me or hinder me?

Not everyone is worthy. Not everyone knows how to slay a dragon. Some may even piss them off and leave you both badly burnt - or worse!

But there are dragon slayers out there. Of course, completely unhelpfully, they do not prance around in white knight outfits which makes them very difficult to find. But here’s a hint...if your dragons are multiplying or your gorilla is growing they are NOT dragon slayers! They are dragon breeders! GTFO of there!

Another hint is right there in their titles dragon slayers SLAY dragons. You don’t get to call yourself a dragon slayer if your intention is to slay the dragon - that’s just being a wannabe. 

You don’t get to call yourself a gorilla wrangler if you can’t herd gorillas.

When we experience a childhood trauma, as I had with dentists, we may find that when we encounter the same or similar situation we revert or retrogress into the child that lived through that trauma - helpless, afraid and  perhaps unprotected. It is literally (from an emotional perspective) a belittling experience - we BEcome LITTLE again.

My gorilla felt that ginormous because I felt so little facing it. 

But with the help of those kind people who gave me their recommendations, my bear-hearted husband and that dentist and his staff I was able to realise that I was haunched on the floor and that’s why the gorilla seemed that big. I needed to stand to my full height, draw on all my strengths and face that gorilla.

So, we all lived happily ever after, right? Wrong.

As we learned in the movie “How to Train Your Dragon”, there are many different types of dragons. There are also a multitude of metaphorical gorillas. 

For years I have wanted to write about the dragons and gorillas I encounter but I have allowed so many different dragons and gorillas to immobilise me. Some of the species I encountered are self-doubt, imposter syndrome - who am I? - what will people think? It’s not as good as I think it can be. I’ll run out of things to write about. There are so many people who know more than me. I was mistaken, I don’t really have anything to share. Blah, blah, blah.

What may kill one species of dragon will feed another species. 

But the more dragons I encounter, the better dragon slayer I become. 

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